Shop / 07

Provisions & Proofs

Physical goods for the biologically cognitive, plus a small line of complimentary certifications of strictly ceremonial value. Every price is quoted twice: once in U.S. dollars, once in the units this site actually believes in.

Physical Goods / 5

Fulfillment via print-on-demand

Mug

0 Meat Tokens Spent - Passive aggressive meeting mug

You've been dragged into yet another meeting that could have been a Slack thread. Your boss is presenting the next big thing he's come up with. They can steal your time, but they can't steal your meat tokens. Let them know that "Zero Meat Tokens Spent" on this meeting. This glossy black ceramic mug is the perfect act of passive aggressive defiance. It says I'm playful, but dark, and I drink coffee... or at least what you hope is coffee. The comfortable C-shpaed handle gives you something to caress when your fidget spinner has been confiscated by HR. This BPA-free mug let's people know, I'm fun, but I don't mess around. Product features- 100% glossy black ceramic — sleek, reflective finish- Available in 11oz and 15oz sizes to suit different drink preferences- Dishwasher- and microwave-safe for everyday convenience- Vibrant, long-lasting print using advanced printing techniques- C-shaped easy-grip handle; lead- and BPA-free, meets safety standardsCare instructions- Clean in dishwasher (put the product on top rack), or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap

Price

$15.99

Meat tokens

3,326

All Over Prints

Compacting Meat Tokens - AI Boxer Briefs

Do you want to people to know that your context window is in it for the long haul. You ain't compacting sh*t. Grab your self some Meat Token underwear. These boxer briefs bring a cheeky, confident energy to everyday wear. Lightweight, smooth polyester fabric hugs the body with a regular fit while a soft elastic waistband keeps them sitting comfortably all day. The bold text design across the back adds playful attitude — for someone who enjoys a laugh and isn’t afraid to wear their personality. Breathable and quick-drying, they work under jeans or lounge shorts and hold bright, crisp print wash after wash.Product features- Lightweight 100% polyester with soft two-sided fleece finish for comfort- Elastic, soft waistband for a secure, all-day fit- Vibrant, long-lasting all-over print that resists fading- Extra light fabric (3.8 oz/yd² / 129 g/m²) for breathability- Regular fit with printed care label inside for easy maintenanceCare instructions- Do not dryclean- Do not iron- Dry flat- Do not bleach- Machine wash: cold (max 30C or 90F)

Price

$41.60

Meat tokens

8,653

Size

Home Decor

MEAT TOKEN LIMIT REACHED - Car Magnet

A bold, magnetic bumper that speaks with dry humor. This slim vinyl magnet features bright red block lettering on a matte black background that reads a playful, blunt message. It clings securely thanks to a black magnetic backing and withstands rain, road grime, and sun without fading. The white base under the print can be slightly visible on very dark artwork, so the matte black finish gives a low-glare, understated look from a distance. Handmade in the USA from globally sourced materials, it’s a compact way to add personality to a vehicle, toolbox, or metal surface.Product features- 100% vinyl construction (PVC)- All-weather durability for outdoor use- White vinyl face with black magnetic backing- Available in three sizes- Matte finish; printed with digital-direct printing (DDP)Care instructions- Wipe the dust off gently with a soft, dry cloth.

Price

$9.99

Meat tokens

2,078

Home Decor

Zero Meat Tokens Left to Spend on This Sh*t - Sherpa Blanket

When your meat tokens == the number of f**ks to give, it's time to call it a day. What better way to make sure the world needs to leave you alone that a soft, cozy blanket that lets everyone know, "I've used up all of my meat tokens for the day and I have no more to give you so don't even try." The roomy, soft polyester face holds the crisp black print while the thick 3mm sherpa underside cradles you while you are compressing your context for the day. The hemmed edges keep it looking tidy wash after wash. For anyone who likes their home goods warm, sarcastic, and unapologetic. Product features- Thick 100% polyester face with 1/8" (3mm) pile for warmth and softness- Velvety sherpa fleece backside for extra plush comfort- Hemmed edges for durability and neat finish- Available in three sizes; pre-constructed with possible ±3" variance- Meets safety and compliance standards (azo dyes, formaldehyde, BPA, flammability, lead, phthalates)Care instructions- Wash the item only cold machine wash with similar colors garments using a gentle cycle. Tumble dry on low settings or hang dry. Do not bleach or dry clean.

Price

$84.99

Meat tokens

17,678

Home Decor

Meat Token Limit Reached - Retro Cyberpunk Woven Throw Blanket

A cozy woven blanket that brings late-night console vibes when your meat tokens have been used up for the day. The design shows a city-lit cyberroom scene with warm monitor glow and playful pixel text reading “Meat Token Limit Reached — Resets in 12 hours,” Available in three sizes to suit a chair, sofa, or bed; note that mockups may vary slightly from the finished woven texture.Product features- 100% cotton woven fabric — strong, smooth fibers ideal for printing- Two print variants: Artwork for bold color blocks; Photo for photographic detail- Colorful fringed edges and visible woven threads for handcrafted texture- Available in three sizes to fit chair, sofa, or bed- Mockups may not fully represent the final woven appearanceCare instructions- Machine wash: cold (max 30C or 90F), gentle cycle, mild detergent - Non-chlorine: bleach as needed- Tumble dry: low heat

Price

$48.99

Meat tokens

10,190

Size

Certifications — Free / 3

Generated in browser · No account

Certification

Proof of Meat

Personalized PDF certifying that you have been calibrated against the Meat Token standard. Suitable for framing; legally inert.

Price

Meat tokens

Certifies itself. Pay only in attention.

Certification

Silicon Frontier Survivor

Confers honorary survivor status, Class of 2026. Acknowledges that you continued to metabolize glucose throughout the transition.

Price

Meat tokens

Certifies itself. Pay only in attention.

Certification

CORTISOL: CRITICAL

Recognizes sustained operation at the highest documented cortisol tier. Includes serial number; excludes medical advice.

Price

Meat tokens

Certifies itself. Pay only in attention.

Meat-token prices are computed deterministically from USD using the same kcal accounting as the calculator. They are not legal tender, do not float, and cannot be transferred between humans without significant biological effort. Free certifications are generated in your browser and never leave your machine until you decide to print, frame, or pretend they mean something.